A Fixed Sign's Guide to Trying New Things
Or, A Taurus Tries Tennis Lessons.
I come to you today a changed woman. Last you heard from me, I was but a simple actress preparing for the hybrid live and virtual release of my sketch comedy showcase. Now, I am still a simple actress, but there has also been a change - a fundamental shift in the foundation of who I am as a person. I am now an actress who has taken a tennis lesson. [Hold for applause]
So how did this truly miraculous event come to pass? I’ll get to that, but first, we must take a detour to talk about astrology. Despite my forthcoming list-based book on the subject, I’m not sure what I really think about astrology. I don’t know if the placement of the stars and planets at the time of your birth has any significance for who you will grow up to be. The cynic in me says of course it doesn’t. But nonetheless, I find myself attracted to this type of new-age spiritualism (that is actually quite old). I like paying attention to the moon phases and using the movements of the planets as a tool to think more deeply about myself and others. I like that following astrology means regular check-ins about yourself, your goals, and what you really want for your present and future.
Now feels like a good time to plug my astrology book so here you go.
It’s also just fucking fun okay? Is that okay to say??? I like looking at the sky and ringing a little bell while touching a crystal. Is that a crime??? If it is, I don’t care! You know why I like astrology? Because it makes me feel like a goddamn wood nymph in ancient freaking Greece, that’s why! As the famed creative thinker George Santos once said - sue me for having a life!
All of that is to say, I don’t know what the fuck astrology is, but I like it and strongly identify with my sun sign: the mighty Taurus. A Taurus - for those of you not blessed to have one of us in your lives - is a fixed earth sign best known for working hard, chilling harder, and literally hating all change. As the kids say, it me.
I will do anything not to experience change. I’ve stayed in apartments, relationships, jobs, and improv comedy theaters for years longer than I ever meant to simply because I hated the idea of changing up my daily routine. Now that I’m thirty (read: thirty-two), the desire to stay in my home doing the same thing every day and never changing my pants grows stronger with each passing moment. It is for this reason that I have to periodically force myself to try new things by investing money in random ideas I get while stoned and then have to follow through on them at a later, more sober date. Which is how I ended up in a beginner’s tennis clinic at McCarren Park last night when I would usually be fully ensconced in my couch watching 30 Rock.
I ordered the class over two months ago and felt frankly zero connection to the girl I was when I made the $90 (!!!!) purchase by the time day of the class rolled around. I had somehow managed to select the one day in what has thus far been an unusually warm* New York winter on which it was freezing cold and actually snowing for my lesson. Well done, past me. Part of me seriously considered skipping it altogether, but the $90 investment meant that I could not - as a money-loving Taurus - bring myself to flake.
And I’m glad I didn’t.
The clinic was myself and three other people. The instructor, Jeremy, kept calling me “Alisa” and I didn’t correct him because I didn’t feel like it and he was really nice. He started the lesson by asking if any of us had a favorite tennis player, which I responded to by describing the fictional tennis player Carrie Soto. We practiced our forehand, our backhand, volleys, overheads, and serves. I was very bad and I didn’t care.
This whole experience represents an enormous change for me, not just as a routine-loving Taurus, but as an artistic type who said no to all forms of athleticism by the age of five and fought hard against any attempt to impose them upon me**. An emo kid theater kid who hated PE? Groundbreaking, I know. But I did hate it, and remembering those classic still conjures up a very particular type of anxious pit in my stomach. In PE, I always felt like I was on display (because of much of the time you literally were - raise your hand if you were ever personally victimized by being the last person to finish the mile). I felt embarrassed by my complete lack of athletic ability. I’m not a naturally competitive person (again, Taurus vibes), so watching my classmates get competitive with each other also stressed me out. Combine that with the fact that my being bad at everything usually meant one or more of my randomly assigned teammates*** would end up mad at me (my number one fear of life), and by eighteen I had developed into a full-fledged “ewww you play sportsball?” hater. And yes, in case you were wondering, I was also not like other girls.
But the tennis clinic changed all of that. It helped me to see the fun that can be had by chasing a ball around and trying to hit it with a racket. There was not test at the end, no losing, and no end goal other than for me to spend 90 minutes trying something new. My poor performance meant nothing for anyone but me, and I was really just there to have fun. I didn’t have to worry about the instructor getting annoyed with me and then having to teach me both sex ed and how to drive later. Plus I paid $90 dollars for this shit so you’d better fucking be nice to me.
Will I become great at tennis as a result of this? Almost certainly not, but I’m already signed up for another lesson in two weeks and Danny and I are gonna go together a month after that. All of this is to say, if you see me on Insta rocking a full tennis ensemble, know that I earned it. I’m an athlete now, after all.
See you on the court!
xoxo
besitos
alise
***important notes***
* Has anyone else noticed the earth appears to be getting warmer each year? Someone should look into this!
** When I was in kindergarten my dad signed me up for girl’s basketball and when they came to watch me play for the first time I just wandered around the court showing everyone (including members of the other team) my bracelets until I was ejected from the game. My dad still says it was one of the most embarrassing days of his life.
*** When I was in high school we did a tennis unit in which we were randomly grouped into teams of four. My team included myself, a girl who I got caught shoplifting with sophomore year, my abusive ex-boyfriend who once got angry at me for calling him a Nazi when he is actually not a Nazi, he is a monarchist who believes we should bring monarchical rule to the United States, and this kid Zach Chesser who eventually went to federal prison for trying to join Al-Shabaab. A real group of winners, if I do say so myself.
***promos and plugs***
The CBS showcase is out and you can all watch the full show from the comfort of your own damn home right here:
Give us an hour of your life. You won’t regret it.
The Low Stakes show schedule has changed! This month we’ll be back at The Gutter (for free!) 2/21 and 2/28 at 8pm. Please come/clap!
Remember two newsletters ago when I talked about submitting for a prestigious thing? Well I am now showcasing for said prestigious thing Friday 2/17 at 5pm at The Pit Loft in Manhattan. Tickets available here. Would love to see every single person who likes me there!
And most importantly…my solo show is back! Ticket link isn’t up yet but I’ll be bringing THE GIRL WHO LIVED to UNION HALL in Brooklyn 3/8 at 7:30pm. Opening set by my showcase bestie Lorena Russi. Mark your calendars and look out for that ticket link in your feed soon! Hooray!